I have been reading like mad, wrestling with emotions and healing from a series of VERY PAINFUL experiences. I have had to work REALLY hard to deal in forgiveness while also dealing in truth. I have read "It's Not Your Fault: How Healing Relationships Change Your Brain & Can Help You Overcome a Painful Past" by Patricia Romano, Ph.d. Mcgraw (May 2004) and "Mommy Dearest" and "Mistakes Were Made..." and "Sway" and now "Spontaneous Evolution"-- and listened to numerous of the calls now abounding on healing. I am a fan of Phil Cousineau and his recent work "Beyond Forgiveness http://www.facebook.com/index.php?lh=df116eaa280320d8d9759370bb65af49!/BeyondForgiveness
I love D. Patrick Miler's "Little Book of Forgiveness."
BUT--I am confused because I am angry at some folks I love and/or have forgiven. I uncover more hurt... and the battle between anger and forgiveness begins anew.
It's a major conundrum!
This is on the fly-- I am still pondering this. I've not quite finished reading "Anatomy of Peace" which, happily. DOES offer some solutions. (More on the book when I finish it.)
I am still looking for a "way in"--a way to break the trances of anger and blame etc. all these writers address-- and which every single legal beagle has seen. Which we are, of course, also engaged in as a nation. We can see it in others... yet they cant see it as they battle on. But we are them and they are us.
And this trance of us and them and anger is temporarily suspended (or we pretend it is) in the "Christmas spirit". But why only then?
OK, now I have also read "Sway: The Irrational Pull of Irrational Behavior" written by two Israeli brothers. This book, like "Mistakes Were Made" discusses why people do things based on parts of their thinking they are not conscious of. The examples range from the fatal-- a top pilot taking off in a fog and killing himself, the entire crew and all "souls" on board. (my words) to a preference for flat rates on such things as cell phone minutes. (I found fault only here-- the cell phone companies price these plans so the "fairness bias" kicks in. But more on that later.)
This book is far more readable than MWM (the Tavris book) and--happily-- shares some ways to avoid the quirks that beset us humans in our thinking.
OK folks—I have finished the book on “cognitive dissonance.” I read in vain for the missing pieces—what do we do to change this… and (most telling) what about the fact that everyone simply is NOT stuck in this mode.
I am also sorry to say I discovered the authors had their own conformation bias. They quote an author who sates that we all know right from wrong because we were children we know what hurt us (which I am convinced is true ) then state categorically that their example—Charles Cranmer and Lynndie England of Abu Ghraib infamy did not know what they were doing was wrong-or evil.
Later in the book they state “but the soul wants to confess.” Which is also true. This is why we say someone has “sold their soul” when they do what they know is wrong. These two statements can’t both be true—but the authors overlook this These authors (and their editors) seem to have fallen prey to their own confirmation bias.