Pausing to refresh

As I begin this post, I realize that I will use the Buddha as a point of reference. I want to be clear that I do not intend to proselytize. He is simply my teacher. I don't cite to him as an absolute authority or deity, but someone whose teachings help me live in line with my aspirations. And so ...

Mindfulness is always mindfulness of something. In this post, I want to address mindfulness of feelings, one of the four foundations of mindfulness. (Sattipattana Sutta) Today, I had the opportunity to practice this aspect of mindfulness in difficult circumstances.

I'm fortunate to be even-keeled and generally treated with respect by judges, attorneys, clients, and others with whom I come in contact. Today, my balance faltered during a series of public email exchanges with another attorney.

Anger and defensiveness arose in me when he publicly denigrated me, in my view without cause. In private emails, he made it clear that he intended to attack me. Using my mindfulness practice, I paused and came back to my breathing. I watched the changes in my body that came about from these strong feelings and looked at the feelings without judgment, "Hello, anger, my old friend." As I breathed and sat with my anger, I became calmer and clearer.

My old habit energy would be to defend and strike back. After decades of studying mindfulness and the Buddha's teachings, that energy is somewhat weaker. So, how do I deal with my anger? By being present with it and not acting out of it. (There is another wonderful sutra on the Five Ways of Putting an End to Anger, but this is probably not the place for it.)

I think, too often we in the legal community relate to each other in ways that invite us away from our true heart and into acting out of anger or ill will. I was lucky this exchange was email so I had the space to be still rather than react. I came back to my breathing and when I felt more stable, asked myself how I want to be in this world. What energy do I want to add to this day? Anger and bitterness, however cleverly packaged, are not part of my deepest intentions. I responded to the lawyer's email when I thought I was ready and calm, but I was perhaps not there altogether. When I again felt bitten by his (almost immediate) responsive email, I realized that I had baited him even though I thought I was calm. My "defensive" energy is so strong.

My next email was simply to thank him for his comments and wish him well. I did not want to end on a bitter note, but I did not want to continue the toxic discussion on which we had embarked.

Questions for my reflection were: How do I want to be in the world? Why am I doing this thing? What kind of difference will my actions make in the world? Aligning my actions with my heart, I hope to move in the direction of my deepest aspirations --- to live compassionately and kindly.

As my teacher says, "Happiness is not an individual matter."