I hear Carol Tavris speak at a wonderful discussion group in Santa Monica years ago: Somehow I just felt a need to finally buy the book "Mistakes Were Made(But not by Me) and read it. Now I am getting messages from the Universe -- the phrase "cognitive dissonance" keeps reoccurring everywhere I read, on conference calls... I am clearly supposed to get familiar with this concept (and the research) and how it affects me, my work and my clients.. and the toxic court system.
I have yet to complete the book--the examples of how commonly God awful things happen and are justified buy this aspect of how humans think is hard to plow through. I keep wanting to know WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT? And I keep asking myself "Have I done this? Do I do this?"
Hard to read and do this at the same time.
A quote: "When you think of it, even without the modern marital problems of passionlessness and divorce I detailed above, marriage is a really bad deal for a woman. She has to give up her name, literally. She has kids and compromises her figure. She gets saddled with eighty percent of the housework. She often gives up her career as she becomes a Mom. Who would be stupid enough to accept this lousy offer?
I just tried to post this as part of an ongoing discussion with a very disillusioned litigant on the ABA site... I suspect they won't post so here it is:
FF I agree with you that the adversarial system makes it possible in most cases for one party to drive an entire case. But there are other tools-- see, e.g. "Aikido: Life Lessons from an American Sensei" by George Leonard.
But this perceived "reality" is not the true reality any more than is was when Einstein discovered E=MC squared" while his peers were arguing about molecules.
See also (and there I put this website.) and some stuff about problems and the mindset that created it etc.
I just watched “It’s Complicated”—great movie. In it Meryl Streep’s character admits the divorce wasn’t entirely “his fault”. (Sadly, this is full of irony in and of itself. But more about that later.) Then she says “but I didn’t have to admit it because you cheated”.
This is one I have heard over and over—people are getting a divorce because “he cheated” with an occasional “she cheated.”
It’s actually fairly hard to suss out how many ways this belief system-–this shibboleth—makes me crazy.
Let’s see if I can pull apart the tangled threads:
1. 99% of these people had multiple partners before marriage—and sex before marriage.
2. Studies show a HUGE number if partners ADMIT to having additional sexual partners after marriage.
3. Many scientific studies sow that it is built into both man and, yes, women, to have multiple sexual partners.
4. It is IMPOSSIBLE that in ANY of these cases no other betrayals of any sort had taken place.