I hear Carol Tavris speak at a wonderful discussion group in Santa Monica years ago: Somehow I just felt a need to finally buy the book "Mistakes Were Made(But not by Me) and read it. Now I am getting messages from the Universe -- the phrase "cognitive dissonance" keeps reoccurring everywhere I read, on conference calls... I am clearly supposed to get familiar with this concept (and the research) and how it affects me, my work and my clients.. and the toxic court system.
I have yet to complete the book--the examples of how commonly God awful things happen and are justified buy this aspect of how humans think is hard to plow through. I keep wanting to know WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT? And I keep asking myself "Have I done this? Do I do this?"
Hard to read and do this at the same time.
A quote: "When you think of it, even without the modern marital problems of passionlessness and divorce I detailed above, marriage is a really bad deal for a woman. She has to give up her name, literally. She has kids and compromises her figure. She gets saddled with eighty percent of the housework. She often gives up her career as she becomes a Mom. Who would be stupid enough to accept this lousy offer?
I just tried to post this as part of an ongoing discussion with a very disillusioned litigant on the ABA site... I suspect they won't post so here it is:
FF I agree with you that the adversarial system makes it possible in most cases for one party to drive an entire case. But there are other tools-- see, e.g. "Aikido: Life Lessons from an American Sensei" by George Leonard.
But this perceived "reality" is not the true reality any more than is was when Einstein discovered E=MC squared" while his peers were arguing about molecules.
See also (and there I put this website.) and some stuff about problems and the mindset that created it etc.
I just watched “It’s Complicated”—great movie. In it Meryl Streep’s character admits the divorce wasn’t entirely “his fault”. (Sadly, this is full of irony in and of itself. But more about that later.) Then she says “but I didn’t have to admit it because you cheated”.
This is one I have heard over and over—people are getting a divorce because “he cheated” with an occasional “she cheated.”
It’s actually fairly hard to suss out how many ways this belief system-–this shibboleth—makes me crazy.
Let’s see if I can pull apart the tangled threads:
1. 99% of these people had multiple partners before marriage—and sex before marriage.
2. Studies show a HUGE number if partners ADMIT to having additional sexual partners after marriage.
3. Many scientific studies sow that it is built into both man and, yes, women, to have multiple sexual partners.
4. It is IMPOSSIBLE that in ANY of these cases no other betrayals of any sort had taken place.
The Nobel Prize For Game Theory, And Why We Should Care
Funny thing: I recently (2005) met K.C. Cole, a writer I have long admired, and bought her book "The Universe and the Teacup: the Mathematics of Truth and Beauty." In her elegant way, K.C. explains game theory for the layman, and I am shocked to discover it has been around for over 50 years. Heartened to discover that the Nobel prize just awarded was for this research!
In it, many scientists have done research with groups of people in situations where there is less of something than existing demand, and modeled the way people deal with this (common) scenario.
They have come up with ways to assign differing values, to, say, the house in a divorce case, so that the non dollar values (which we all know are the real drivers in most cases) are dealt with.
(Kim's note: The following is an edited email from Jennifer Tull who is interviewed at:
I attended the Spa for the Soul retreat at Red Corral Ranch back in 2002 and it was miraculous. I highly recommend it!)
The next Spa for the Soul retreat will be on January 20-23, 2011, at the Red Corral Ranch outside of Wimberley, TX. Will you please take a moment to think about your clients, family members or acquaintances who might benefit from this program? Imagine how wonderful it will be for you to introduce someone else to the kind of experience you had when you were at a Spa for the Soul retreat. Imagine how different our world would be if everyone knew how to be centered and experience joy from head to toe, inside and out.
Each retreat guest receives the following:
* Peaceful, serene surroundings
Practice Makes Permanent: Reactive Thinking and the Promise of Rewiring our Brains Through Mindfulness During Divorce!
Divorce Hardwiring Can Be Toxic, And It Can Be Overcome!
Jennifer Kresge, M.A., L.M.F.T. and attorney Nina Meierding put on an excellent institute at the 2010 AFCC convention in Denver last week entitled "How the Brain Reacts to Conflict." I wanted to share of few of their pointers as they relate to the importance of mindfulness, because considering them might be helpful in dialing back reactivity for people in relationship transition.
But first a seeming digression.
What is the biggest challenge facing parents after divorce? It's nurturing their child's spirit through the new array of divorced-parenting situations. Visitation, holidays, public occasions, extended family, behavior issues, and finances - a host of new situations that leave parents, and their children, grasping for the right way. How is a parent to proceed?
When faced with a divorced parenting situation, parents can take the time to mindfully guide their child through a nurturing solution instead of blindly pushing through their first reaction. Mindful divorced parenting is for parents who wish to do more than "just get through it", but rather wish to nurture their child's spirit in the process.
“When you come to each moment cleanly, without a previous thought about it, you can create who you are, rather than re-enact who you once were.” Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh book 2, chapter 2
This was my experience 12 years ago, as I stepped into the world of separation parenting. I was shocked. It was all so new and unfamiliar. I always knew that I’d be a mom. I always knew that I’d care for and nurture my child. But I wasn’t expecting it to be through divorce. As the first separation parenting situation unfolded, all I could think was: I don’t know what to do. And in that moment, instead of reacting, I chose to create.
In a split moment, I put together a full analysis of what it meant to be Me, a mom who fully loved her daughter; weighed against what I observed around me: tabloid filled accounts of children’s lives ripped apart by divorce.
How Mindfulness May Protect Your Family in Divorce
The emotional benefits of mindfulness in divorce will not only save and protect you, they may resonate far into the future and save and protect everyone with whom you come in contact - including not just your children (the best reason), but everyone else you meet.
Relationships arise and they disintegrate, just like birth and decay. It would be wonderful if no one divorced, but it would be better if we could all be more mindful when we marry in the first place. Or remarry for that matter.