The Conversation is not ABOUT the Relationship; The Conversation IS the Relationship
Traditionally, we start our conversations about our business deals with negotiations of "deal points." This leads us to assume that the deal points define our relationship. Discovering Agreement challenges that assumption. What truly does define a relationship?
Relationship is defined by how we treat each other, by what we share (vision, mission, values, efforts, benefits), by our reasons for joining forces, and by the nature of the ongoing conversation that we have as we journey forward together.
Another common feature of traditional contract talks is that we come together and imagine ourselves as future enemies fighting projected, potential battles and deciding how the burdens of loss or misfortune will be divided amongst us in that imagined potentiality. We battle to get our ‘fair share'; and we negotiate terms to which everyone will concede.
Starting From A New Perspective
The first step is to come to the conversation with an alert awareness that we are not enemies and that we wish to design a relationship that will never devolve into enemy camps. We acknowledge that when we work together towards a goal or in an endeavor, we depend on one another, on our shared goodwill and on our shared well-being.
The goal of the Discovering Agreement conversation is to express your vision, your mission, and your values with enough clarity that they can be put into words. Once you have expressed and understood the vision each of you holds for the endeavor, if you have expressed and understood the meaning that the success (or the failure) of the endeavor will have for each of you and, finally, if you have expressed and agreed on a structure for coming together to creatively and productively address the unexpected or times of disagreement, then you have a viable agreement.
Don't Let Deal Points Define Your Relationship
Discovering Agreement does not suggest that we leave behind our “hard earned calluses of caution and prevention” when we sit down to plan a shared effort.[1] It suggests, instead, that we approach the planning as a side-by-side undertaking where we are joining forces to see if our shared energies and abilities can be harnessed to generate greater well-being for everyone involved – greater than if we did not join forces.
The truth is that it is impossible to foresee every potential eventuality. Rather than subjecting your formative conversation to imagined stories of disaster or breach of trust, Discovering Agreement encourages you to set out a structure together for how you will address unexpected change and times of disagreement.
Don't Give Away Your Power
[1] The Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace by John Paul Lederach (Oxford University Press, 2005)